Jackie

So. Here I go. What is it that I want to say? Well. I think that I am officially done with Paquet. I mean, after Christmas and his proclamation of not liking me and such hasn't done it, my realization of how pathetic I am has. Why the hell am I like this? Why do I just go on like this?? It's not healthy. I just want to stop my head from thinking about men and love. Everyone jokes that I'm going to end up a spinster. I'm really afraid of that tho. I mean here I am, 20 years old and had one boyfriend and an unrequited crush. I watch too many chick flicks, and I like too many Hollywood men. I like the unattainable. I like fantasy. So, the pattern occurs that I tend to stick to that fantasy life, and wallow in my reality. I could go out to clubs and such, but I'm not socially smart. I just don't know how to talk to random men. I'm too shy. I don't even know how I flirt. I am just an idiot when it comes to men cause I expect them to be like what I see in the latest James Franco movie or something. SOCIALLY DISABLED. That is the term for me.

Well, I am offically an enormous emotional wreck. This is what happens to me everytime I happen to see Mr. Paquet. EVERY SINGLE time. I start to overthink and get all naseous inside, thinking of what I did and didn't do, and what does he think or doesn't think? I mean now everyone knows (including him) but he is so impossible to read that I just can't get a feel for what he wants. It's beginning to kill me. Seriously, this is so frustrating I am at my wit's end. I always get a good surge of hope that he might like me back, but then he goes and gets a girlfriend. Or he starts to ignore me for awhile until he feels its safe to talk to me again without tension over the whole damn thing. The other night, it seems that he was interested. I mean he was really staying close to me all night, and was talking to me mostly. When he left yesterday morning, and I gave him a hug, he was leaving so cutely. Kept looking back and me and saying bye and thanks for having them over. Turns, then looks back and says bye again. All sorts of cute things. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT MEANS ANYTHING AND THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE I THINK IT DOES AND THEN THAT ONLY SERVES TO BREAK MY HEART IN THE END CAUSE IT USUALLY DOESN'T.
I just want to feel better about this. I want to know once and for all if there is a chance for us, like I've always felt. I mean I always figured that it was odd for our families to remain such good friends, when his parents always say that we are the only ones they have kept in constant contact with over the years. And the fact that we are still friends after all these years too, that we havent ceased talking. (Well we did but only for a little while). I just figure that there was some sorta plan put into effect (this is all sounding really corny but its how I see it) whether that plan was to be good or bad but there is something that will happen between Paquet and I that will be unevitable. There has to be. A culmination, if you will. Bah, is it so bad to want to feel loved by someone?

I love this man: JOHN MAYER. God. He's so awesome. His music moves me ways that I didn't know music could move me. His new album Continuum came out this week. I've listened to it countless times. I love how his stuff has gotten so much mature as he gets older. I'm really loving this new bluesy-ness that he's adopted. It fits his voice and words to a tee. Besides that his music is life-alterning to me on some scale, he happens to be my ideal guy. He is hilarious. He's as smart as whip: articulate and informed. He's perceptive to all human emotions. He's incredibly honest (check his new blog on johnmayer.com to see what I mean) and humble. He loves his family, well at least thats what comes across in his liner notes in Continuum and his other albums. And, well you know he is tall, dark and handsome. Thats just icing on the cake my friends. Seriously, if there was a way to bottle his type up and sell it I would so buy it. I just don't see why I can't find a guy like him in any normal setting. I might be so bloody picky thus rendering me oblivious to the ones that do exist around Ottawa. Or, maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places or looking at the wrong time. Who knows. I just wish I could find a guy similar to Monsieur Mayer. At least I have his music to comfort me.

In a matter of 48 hours my entire life has temporarily managed to fall apart. I shall list the reasons why: 1. My OSAP application was rejected by Carleton. Apparently I have too much money at my dispersal. I'm trying to get an appeal, but God knows if that will work. 2. The guy that I have been in love with for 7 years tells me yesterday that he has a new girlfriend. This prompted me to tell him today that I like him so that I can officially move on from this......thing. After he told me that the radio started playing 'All By Myself' from Bridget Jones. Lovely. I walk out to my car and there is a dent in the passenger side door from an idiot who managed to hit the one car that was in the middle of the damn lot. I swear, when I got there in the morning there was no cars around me and when I got there in the afternoon there were still none. The odds are impeccable. I went to put something in the trunk and the key cover thingy fell out.

I get home and the power goes out from 7 30 pm to 4 am. I tried to watch a movie on my laptop, and the battery died with 15 minutes left of the flick. When the power comes on my light comes on and wakes me up. My cat is locked in my room all night and keeps scratching at the door to get out. This also keeps me up. Tonite my friend Lee calls me up. This is awesome cause hes coming to visit and I havent seen or heard from him in a year. However, this means that I now have to see my ex Kyle. Not even 2 minutes after I hang the phone up, Kyle calls and talks to me. At this point I'm ready to throw myself in front of a moving truck. Oh did I mention that as of right now my mom is talking to Jeremy's mom? What he could possibly have told her is scaring me as well. My life is insane!

Well, it's already the end of my first year of university. CRAZY would be an understatement. It has gone by so fast, but in some regards so slow also. It felt like Christmas would never come, and now its bloody May almost. Unreal. I've done three exams, and have one left to go tommorow. Leaving for home on Sunday. That's right, I'm stuck here to the bitter end. Three of my friends are gone, and one is leaving tomorrow. I'm kinda ambivalent about the whole ordeal: on one hand I know that I will see them all again in four months, but on the other I've gotten so used to them being around all the time that I don't know what I will do during the summer. Everyone I know back home will be working, including myself, so I don't think there will be much time for fun and hanging out. There has got be some fun out to be had this summer, I just don't know where it is.

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD, NO EXPLANATIONS. ADD A QUESTION AS YOU GO! TAKEN FROM HILARY

1. Yourself: Me
2. Your Lover: James
3.Your Hair: brown
4. Your Mother: Joanne
5. Your Father: Mike
6. Your Favorite Item: movies
7. Your Dream Last Night: forget
8. Your Favorite Drink: water
9. Your Dream Home: big
10. The Room You Are In: cozy
11. Your Pet: cat
12. Who You Are Now: Jackie
13. Who You Want to be in Ten years: Jackie
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: Jackie
15. What You're Not: sane
16. Your Best Friend: people
17. One of Your Wish list Items: Stu
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: store
20. What You Are Wearing: jeans
21. Your Favorite Weather: spring
22. Your Favorite Book: seerandthesword
23. The Last Thing You Ate: raisins
24. Your Life: hopeless
25. Your Mood: chipper
26. Your Movie: LOTR
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AB
C
D
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F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

Did you known that 80% of Stanford students could not find the error in the alphabet above? Repost this with the title "Find the Error", and when you click Post Bulletin, the answer will show.

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births and one death in your journal, including the year. Taken from Hilary!

Three Neat Facts:

1878 - The phonograph is patented by Thomas Edison.

1913 - Prizes are included in Cracker Jack candy boxes for the first time.

2006 - The Rolling Stones made the largest show open to the public of the world in Copacabana beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. 1.3 million people went to the show.

Two Births:

1955 - Jeff Daniels, American actor

1967 - Benicio Del Toro, Puerto Rican actor

One Death:

1980 - Bon Scott, Australian musician (AC/DC) (b. 1946)

Well then. I am officially a LJ pariah. I havent updated since January! So where do I start recapping from? Let's start with my birthday...a month ago. Im offically 19 now....can go drinking. I know I won't but I like saying that I can. The Oscars....wtf happened with best pic? That was totally outta no where with Crash. I mean I didnt like Brokeback Mountain, but I was expecting it to win. Next: my boys. They are going to Halifax this weekend. I could have gone with them (on the bus) to watch them, but I have plans on Friday. Sadly, I was at the game where they lost the East divison title. DAMN YORK UNIVERSITY AND THEIR 6"10 GUY WITH HIS STUPID STUPID FACIAL HAIR!!!! I blame it all on him. I knew they werent playing well, but I still don't like to admit that my boy's are not perfect. Stu is such a cutie. He was at the gym the other day when my friend was at her volleyball game. He totally did a layup and his shorts fell down. Needless to say she got an ample eyeful of his cute (bare) ass. JEALOUS. On another note, guess whos going to a concert on Friday? That's right....me! Gonna go see Coldplay with Jocelyn and Jess. I'm getting excited and I don't even really like Coldplay. I've heard that they put on awesome shows so I'm looking forward to it. Anyways that's about all I'm typing tonite...I am so funky feeling right now that I need to sleep. Ciao!

Hello everyone! I'm in the relaying information type of mood so here it is! Just got back from the gym. Yes, the gym. I never thought I would ever say that in any type of journal, online or otherwise. I played some basketball, got tooled (haven't played in awhile...) and kicked the trusty ole soccer ball around. The tunnels, as it turns out, is a prime place to practice my dribling skills.

In other news, today was the airing of Rick Mercer's Report, and it showed when he was here at Carleton and at the men's basketball team. It was hilarious! Also, I should mention my beloved number 13 was in the scene quite frequently, so I got to see lots of him. YAY!!! As a bonus, I can watch them over and over again cause my roomie figured out how to record stuff on my vcr with bunny ear attenaes. This means I can watch him and the team whenever I miss them (seeing as the home games are over..sadly) and laugh at the same time. I'm obsessed I know, but I could be interested in more um, well unhealthy activities.

Another new interest that has developed is the one I have with the character Norman Bates in Hitchcock's Psycho. I really enjoyed that movie the more I think about it. It's interesting. Anthony Perkins did such a sutble job. He gets under your skin with his seeming innocense. Oh, and speaking of movies, today the Oscar Noms came out. Needless to say, I was surprised with some of the noms. Terrence Howard for one. Not that his peformance wasnt good or anything (personally I didn't see Hustle and Flow, I'm just surprised that the Academy even looked at that film given its urban settting). Another surprise: Kiera Knightly as Best Actress. I've seen Pride and Prejudice , and while she did a good job, I didn't think it was Oscar calibre. I guess I will have to watch it again (which I plan on doing soon, since I have it on my computer). The last surprise for me was Jake Gyllenhaal for best supporting actor. I have yet to watch Brokeback Mountain (which will be remedied as of this weekend)and I've heard that he did an superb job but I just don't picture Jake Gyllenhaal as Oscar material so early in his career. I don't know, I mean I can't really say that cause Timothy Hutton won the same award when he was 19, much younger than Gyllenhaal is now. I guess its just cause I was reading everywhere that it was going to be such a long shot to see him nominated and I started to believe it...

Now that I'm done boring you all with my point by point analysis of the Oscar noms, I'm going to go have a shower. After playing basketball, one does not smell like a bunch of lilacs. So ttfn!